The Americans With
No Abilities Act
Washington , DC
President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled
Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will
provide new benefits for many Americans.
The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being
hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the
millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the
competence nor the drive necessary to carve out a
meaningful role for themselves in society," said California
Senator Barbara Boxer (Democrat). "We can no longer
stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be
ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers
will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small
group of workers, simply because they have some idea of
what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader
Nancy Pelosi (Democrat), and Senate Majority Leader
Harry Reid (Democrat) pointed to the success of the
U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of
providing opportunity without regard to performance.
Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job
skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer
of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-
discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%),
the airline industry (68%), and home improvement
warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level,
the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent
record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions
will be created, with important sounding titles but little
real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of
purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions
will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even
the most unremarkable employees. This legislation provides
substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a
significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-
management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and
medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless
worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make
it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled,
banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions
such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate
to this job?"
"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up
with people who have something going for them," said
Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister
at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to
remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. "This new law
should be real good for people like me," Gertz added.
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other
untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end
of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat-IL), "As a Senator
with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that
elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every
American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to
provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his
or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in
this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
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