Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format.
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. No, they are borrowing it from China.
You children are> expected to repay the Chinese.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus of 13 dollars a week wisely.
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs, and Al Qaida.
If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, and Guatemala.
If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea or possible Mexico
If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India.
If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan.
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to> Nigeria and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Nice Work Guys, Everyone of you that voted for this crap should be voted out of office so much for hope and change!!!
$5.5 billion for making federal buildings "green" (including $448 million for the Department of Homeland Security's headquarters) $198 million to design and furnish the DHS headquarters $200 million for workplace safety in Department of Agriculture facilities $75 million for the Smithsonian Institution $300 million more for hybrid and electric cars for federal employees (see below) $180 million for construction of Bureau of Land Management facilities $500 million for wildland fire management $110 million for construction for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service $522 million for construction for the Bureau of Indian Affairs $412 million for Centers for Disease Control headquarters $500 million earmark for National Institutes of Health facilities in Bethesda, Maryland $100 million for constructing U.S. Marshalls office buildings $300 million for constructing Federal Bureau of Investigation office buildings $800 million for constructing Federal Prison System buildings and facilities $307 million for constructing National Institute for Standards and Technology office buildings $1 billion for administrative costs and construction of National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration office buildings $600 million to buy hybrid vehicles for federal employees $125 million for the Washington, D.C. sewer system $75 million for salaries of employees at the FBI $6 billion to turn federal buildings into “green” buildings $88 million for renovating the headquarters of the Public Health Service $5.5 million for “energy efficiency initiatives” at the Veterans Administration's “National Cemetery Administration” $60 million for Arlington National Cemetery $75 million to construct a new “security training” facility for State Department Security officers when they can be trained at existing facilities of other agencies $110 million to the Farm Service Agency to upgrade computer systems $200 million in funding for the lease of alternative energy vehicles for use on military installations $2 billion for a FutureGen near-zero emissions powerplant in Mattoon, Illinois $2 billion for manufacturing advanced batteries for hybrid cars $650 million for the digital TV (DTV) transition coupon program $1.2 billion for summer jobs for youth $200 million for public computer centers at community colleges and libraries $750 million earmark for the National Computer Center $10 million to fight Mexican gun-runners $850 million for Amtrak (on top of its regular subsidy) $100 million for lead paint hazard reduction $275 million for flood prevention $65 million for watershed rehabilitation $650 million for abandoned mine sites $1.3 billion for NASA (including $450 million for "science" at NASA) $100 million to clean up sites used in early U.S. atomic energy program $10 million for urban canals $1.5 billion for carbon capture projects under sec. 703 of P.L. 110-140 (though the original section only authorizes $1 billion for five years) $500 million for state and local fire stations
What a bunch of old-timers. Daschle, Killefer, Geithner, and any other Obamanauts who end up getting outmaneuvered by the tax code….. they’re a generation out of date. Their complicated lives and corresponding tax woes date to an era when what went up stayed up, and there was always a specialist who could ease you out of any jam. Nowadays, what goes down stays down, and those expensive specialists can no longer be billed to the corporate account.
Evading taxes will always be fashionable, however, so here are some new ways to outsmart Uncle Sam, while still staying qualified to be employed by him:
Earn nothing. It’s easier than it sounds. It used to be embarrassing to lose your job, but now everybody’s doing it. If you do, the gargantuan stimulus plan will include new benefits to help you stay stocked up with Twinkies and Pepsi and movie rentals. Under the Obama tax plan, you might even get money back if your income is so low that you don’t pay taxes.
If you’d like to work while earning nothing, there are some banks looking for CEOs willing to run the firm for very low pay. The great news is you don’t really have to know anything about banking – you’ll lose the company less money that way. You could also start a newspaper or open a real-estate brokerage, which are excellent ways to work hard for nothing.
Don’t have kids. They’re nothing but trouble. Somebody has to take care of them, and those illegal nannies are just one Senate headache after another. Kids are always outgrowing their clothes, which you might end up knitting from scratch if many more retailers go out of business. And as they get older, the tax deduction barely covers a fraction of what they spend on iPods and text messages.
Get a bailout. It seems to be working for General Motors. The huge automaker is supposed to pay the federal government up to $7 billion in taxes relating to a deal that helps reduce the debt GM owes. But GM claims that since it’s getting $13.4 billion in cheap loans from the government, the taxes should be forgiven, or else it would just be paying the government back its own money. And who wants that? GM should get to keep everything the government has given it, and maybe even run the Transportation Dept.
The 2-for-1 ratio seems to be a good rule of thumb: Ask for a bailout that’s twice as big as the amount of taxes you’re likely to owe. That way, there’s margin for error when Senate staffers discover that you’ve also received bags of cash that you thought were gifts, but might technically count as income under some arcane subsection of the tax code. Had Tom Daschle asked for a mere $250,000 in bailout money – a mere molecule of money by Washington standards – it would have more than offset the $128,000 he owed in taxes.
Get paid in Ireland. This is what lots of big companies do. They set up shop in places where tax rates are lower than restaurant tips, then pay their taxes there. The revenue gets sent back home sooner or later, but by the time the global accountants have worked their magic, the IRS is practically paying you not make its life more difficult with overseas paperwork it doesn’t understand. If not Ireland, try someplace like Romania or Belarus where they don’t speak English and the local version of the IRS is only open on Thursdays, from 2 to 3.
Invest with a Madoff. Need to distract investigators from your domestic help history? What better way than to lose your life savings to a devious fraudster. If Nancy Killifer had had her own personal Madoff, it would have overshadowed her mysterious maid controversy and easily earned enough sympathy to put her into the performance czar job that she ended up abandoning.
Ponzi schemes, in fact, may turn out to be the next hot tax haven. They're obviously back, and if you amortize your losses smartly, you might zero out your income for years. So cash in before the feds catch on. And rush that resume to the White House.